rotten bananas

I suppose the time has come to show my true colors. I Help You Blog is encouraging bloggers to write great posts using their list of 101 Great Posting Ideas. This falls under the ‘Write a tutorial’ suggestion and possibly the ‘Write a funny post’ suggestion, but that’s really up to the readers. Now, on with the learning!

Introduction

I’m sure there are questions reeling through your mind right now. Not least of which is probably, ‘why would I want to be a complete asshole?’ Well, that’s a great question. I don’t know. No one’s twisting your arm to read this.

Alright. That was just an example. Before I get into instruction, I need to clarify a few things. Firstly, there are two types of asshole. Those that follow my instructions are what we refer to as voluntary assholes. They get under your skin on purpose whether it’s for comedy’s sake or just for their own personal fun. The other type is an involuntary asshole. These people aren’t trying to be assholes. They’re simply socially retarded and have poor communication skills. Avoid them at all costs.

Qualifications

What qualifies as an expert on the subject of being as asshole? Nothing ‘official’, but I have a number of friends that would attest to my experience with the subject. I’d say I’m not proud, but that would be a lie.

Rules

1. Think you’re better than others. Ahhh, rule #1. The most important. If you fail to follow rule #1, you’ll never succeed as an asshole. It’s very difficult to be mean to people if you have no reason (besides, what have they done to deserve your respect?). Unless of course you’re one of those people that hates everyone because you’re insecure, which just makes you a loser.
2. Make fun of people for everything, but only if you’re good at it. This is one that a lot of people miss. Some aspiring assholes try to make the grade by mocking people endlessly, but they’re terrible at it. This does little more than simply make you look like a moron and allow any alpha-assholes in the area to capitalize on your stupidity.
3. Master the art of sarcasm. The same applies as in the previous rule: don’t use it until you’re a pro. The difference is that, while difficult, you can technically be an asshole while not directly insulting people if you master the rest, but you cannot successfully be an asshole without proper use of sarcasm.
4. Target your attacks. And target them at the weak. You need to be able to quickly identify potential mockery targets. If you can pick them out of a crowd-it’s really not that difficult once you know what to look for-you can feed off a single person’s stupidity for an entire evening. This is a key skill to impress people new to your abilities.
5. Let people know what you’re doing. This is clutch. You have to let people know that you’re trying to piss them off. If you don’t properly voice your intentions you could be confused for an involuntary asshole. In addition, after you’ve gotten in a good insult, letting the person know that you’re intention was only to piss them off will double the sting.
6. Know when to quit. There’s not much to add. Simply, know when to quit. You can have a lot of fun being the asshole, but if you don’t know when to give it a break, you’ll end up with no friends, and consequently, no one to practice your assholery on.
7. Optional: Consider taking up an after-insult celebration. Celebrating your accomplishment can add insult to injury, and it’s also great fun. Some common examples are ‘burn’ and ‘zing’. I’m partial to ‘bonesaw’ (care of an ex-roommate). Feel free to add dances, facial expressions, and hand motions as appropriate.

Ethics

While it is important to launch your attacks at the least defended, there are some exceptions to the rules of assholery. I know I said to make fun of people for everything, but avoid insulting the disabled and mentally handicapped. There is a relatively thin line between a funny asshole and a thoughtless moron that nobody will hang out with.

Also, avoid joining the group when multiple assholes are already going after a single target. When teaming up, assholes quickly become cruel or mean. The better strategy is to identify the assholes that you can go face to face with and wait for an opening. When a ‘flock’ or ‘herd’ of assholes is attacking an easy target, they’ll often become overly comfortable and let their guard down. This is your chance to attack. Get a good jab in at the lead asshole and you’ll have women all over you.

Conclusion

Heed this advice carefully. Being an asshole can very quickly enhance your status within your group of friends. You no longer have to be a fly on the wall, but instead you can be the center of attention. Make friends and embarrass your enemies. But be careful. Use your power irresponsibly and you’ll only bring yourself trouble.

Oh, and be careful around those bigger than you. They may be easy targets, but the less intelligent are often quicker to result to blows.