rotten bananas

This post will only encompass one thing that should be punishable by death. But, I have a feeling this could quickly become a series, so I went plural on you, hardcore.

Websites/Ads with auto-playing sound.

I get it. You want to get my attention. This is not the way to do it. When I’m casually browsing Digg in between compiles at work and some woman randomly starts talking to me about the inadequate length of my unspeakables, it easily qualifies as an uncomfortable situation.

I find myself frantically moving for that ‘x’ in the in the corner, my savior. Naturally, my panic has severely limited my hand eye coordination, and I’m quickly lost in a sea of close boxes with nothing but a prayer. I know, it sounds dramatic. It is dramatic

Obviously, I’m much too terrified to venture back into the same territory, so whatever glorious bit of linkbait or microcephalic criminal mishaps happen to be waiting on the other side are completely lost on me. This simply leaves me further frustrated.

I’m sure most people can share my view on this matter. I have a very hard time believing that this strategy actually encourages more clicking. Therefore, classified as nothing more than a public nuisance, I would like to nominate all creators of said ads for my mandatory post-birth abortion program. There is no official list for the program yet, as I’m still trying to work the legislation through congress - wheels to be greased with hard liquor and loose women. It won’t be long now, and I’m keeping my own list of candidates.

Well, after a few minor roadblocks and a lot of worrying on my part, I’m finally switched over to my new host with very minimal work. Well, I did a lot of work, but very little of it was required. I’m pretty impressed with how easy it was to switch Wordpress over. I even changed the DB name.

What’s the deal with the excitement?

Ok, maybe that’s not what I mean. I understand the excitement from the Macophiles. It’s what they do. I used to be one. Well, an aspiring one. All I could afford was a used iBook off ebay, but that’s neither here nor there. I own an iPod, two actually, they’re good products.

But, seriously, what’s the deal? I’m hearing people say things like the iPhone will revolutionize the mobile industry. What? The iPhone will change the wireless biz. Um… not quite.

Let’s look at the basics - it’s a phone that can play music. It has a web browser. It has email. According to Apple’s website, it can display maps. Maybe they’re not my standard Google-type maps. Maybe they’re special Apple maps with all the real roads.

I’ll go one up on them. It’s not just a phone with lots of fancy features. It’s a smart phone. It’s a PDA/phone combo. It’s a mini-computer. Call it what you will. I’ve had one since ‘05.

Let’s not even discuss that the iPhone won’t support the newest cellular network technology. I won’t bring up the lack of flash support (whoops). I won’t even point out that it’s going to be running Safari!

Look at the positives. It’s made by Apple, so the interface will surely be pretty and most likely easy to use. It’s got a fancy touch-screen and a sleek design. How exciting.

Is it worth $500? No. It’s not even worth $200. I am curious to see how it interfaces with Windows though (This may already have been revealed. I don’t really do “research”). What should happen if everyone buys the iPhone and realizes that it won’t sync with Outlook? I’ll laugh. Maniacally. Oh well. Buy a MacBook. They’re not that expensive.

I’ll admit that Apple products are cool. The iPod did change things. The interface was revolutionary. It does it’s job quite well and Apple has been well rewarded for that, but when the iPod appeared on the market there was no leader to speak of. This is a whole new terrain for Apple.

We’re talking Treos here. We’re talkin Blackberrys. They’re not jovially referred to as Crackberrys because people don’t love them.

I’m sure the iPhone will sell well. There’s a lot of Apple fanboys wetting their pants over this thing, but let’s be real. It’s a toy. It’s a fancy phone, just like the RAZR was. They’re not revolutionizing anything. They’re porting existing technology to a new case with a shiny new face.

They had a shot. Apple could sell used dog food to a dead cat if they painted it white. They could have made something that really was different, something that would make them stand out as a technology company. They could have dropped it into the hands of millions without trying. I think they got too comfortable, comfortable with the image. They got comfortable being the best looking, and they are, but everybody knows beauty is only skin deep.

I know this wasn’t meant for Apple, but I think it applies.

Darin Carter at Darin.cc is holding a contest for a free Wii if you review his site. Darin’s blog is an SEO blog that is very difficult to use because his theme is crushing his content into a 2-inch wide block, making it unreadable.

Unfortunately, this is all that I can say about it.

Whew. Busy weekend. If anyone’s curious, Tool was oustanding.

I have a post on at Daily Blog Tips about WordPress Blog Maintenance. Check it out if you’re into that sorta thing.

I don’t want to, but I feel somewhat obligated to discuss Paris Hilton briefly. First off, this stuff about her grandfather donating to the campaign of the sheriff responsible for her release is pretty interesting. While we’re on this willy-nilly throw all celebrities in jail kick, I hope they both land in there as well.

I might actually sympathize if the sentence wasn’t just 23 days. Get over it already. Sure it sucks, but 23 days by yourself isn’t going to kill anyone. Quite a few people would be in serious trouble being locked up for 23 days. That’s more than 3 weeks of work. That’s potentially hundreds of dollars for someone who needs that paycheck each week. All Paris is really getting is a little alone time.

I’m not trying to say that jail is easy or that I wouldn’t be bothered doing 23 days in prison, but that’s why I avoid activities that would land me in prison. If I had her money I’d be paying people to drive me around anyway, so she should get 23 days for stupidity, then worry about the DUI charge. I haven’t seen a judge that earned my respect since they began airing trials on national television, but I’m liking this guy so far.

Also, this is hilarious (from the article):

“All heiresses should be put in prison on general principle,” actor John Cusack said.

I have a lot on my plate, as they say. I’ve got goals - both short and long term - as well as dreams, or plans if you will. My mind is always racing, coming up with new schemes and ideas. To give you an idea of what I go through on a regular basis, here’s what’s on my mind right now (for those of you that are bored by my personal life, fast forward):

• Keep blogs updated, gain more traffic (obviously)
• Create new targeted site to test out Amazon affiliate program - I already have the groundwork laid as far as what I’m selling
• Start a webcomic (already got the ideas laid out for this as well)
• Learn SEO
• Create Family-based CMS and improve my PHP skills in the process
• Learn Ruby on Rails
• Improve my guitar playing (I’m currently learning to improvise)
• Write a movie script about the IT world (no joke, it would be hilarious, I promise you)

Those are all of the things that I’d like to begin tonight. I think this is awesome. I’ve got a lot of interests and a lot to keep myself busy. The problem is that I feel like I don’t have any free time to do it. It’s not that I get nothing done, but not as much as I’d like. I do a lot of reading on things that I’m interested in (especially SEO right now), but there’s been very little action. I’m seriously starting to wonder if it’s actually a lack of free time or an abundance of procrastination.

Or perhaps a lack of prioritizing. Tuesdays I go out with friends. I may have a few drinks (as I did this past Tuesday), which does not bode well for productivity.

Wednesday, I was visiting an aunt that was only in town for the night. When I got home I had to tackle a hard drive issue on my desktop. I could have sworn it was clicking like the Armageddon was upon us, but last night I had nothing but a silent, albeit corrupted, drive. I can’t possibly be minus a desktop for any extended (read: hours) period of time, so that needed dealt with last night.

Tonight I am mostly free aside from a weekly work-related commitment that won’t take too much time. I’ve already written 2 blog posts (well, about 1.5 - this one is just gettin warmed up), and I’ve practiced a little SEO by trying to linkbait a bit on my other blog. Though, it’s gotten me nowhere so far.

Tomorrow night, Friday, I’m going to see Tool in Baltimore, which I am quite excited for.

Saturday night is my step-niece’s graduation party. I’m looking forward to the gift portion, as I plan to do something entertaining, but it’s another night gone. I’ll have the day, so hopefully I’ll manage something out of that.

Sunday is fair game.

On top of my seemingly busy schedule, I’m dealing with a host that is not nearly as helpful with transferring domains out of their control as they are transferring them to within their control. I’ve had to have my new host (Yes, that is an affiliate link. While I can’t speak much of the quality of their service yet, I can certainly speak to the quality of their customer service, which resembles the biblical stories of Jesus. If you’re actually interested in AN Hosting, let me know. I have some coupon codes for free service.) re-initiate the transfer tonight, so I wish the old godspeed.

There’s a lot to be said for these hippies and their theories on using free time wisely. Though Steve Olson seems to be in support of procrastination under certain circumstances, which I actually found to be a silly post. I’ll save you the time. The jist - when you’re planning to do something sinister, wrong, illegal or otherwise not what Jesus would do, then putting it off is probably for the best.

Part of the problem, I believe, is that I’ve got so much on my plate, I can’t buckle down with one thing. I’ll be honest, in the end I’m just looking for the same thing as everyone else: to be filthy, stinking rich. The kind of rich that would require nightly bonfires with a crowd of Benjamin Franklins to even hope to start thinking about running out of money. So, I guess my question is - what will get me there?

I could go for the big score with a movie, or some big web two point oh social networking user generated content idea, which would pay off amazingly, if I’m one of the lucky ones. Or I can just hack away with my blogs and SEO and work my way up to comfortable, which wouldn’t be all that bad either.

Any amount of additional income would be exciting (I did make 9 cents from Adsense). But, when I pull the sheets over my head, I guess what I really want is to be able to think to myself, “Self, I accomplished something today.” I’m not going to get rich tomorrow (I don’t think), but taking a step in that general direction will be very motivating. And I have actually done quite a bit more in the last 3-4 months than probably ever before that, so I’m not disappointed in myself. I’m moving in the right direction for the type of productivity that leads to a comfortable life of slacking.

I’m sure that the Bill Gates and Steve Jobs of the world realize just how good they have it, but for once, I’d like to know.

This does not strike me as “sick”, “ill” or “the shizzle.” It reeks of “radical” and “cowabunga.” It smells of the 80’s.

This is some (apparently overpaid) marketer’s idea of “appealing to the younger generation.” My guess is that said marketer is pushing fifty and has very little exposure to “the younger generation.” The logo is flat-out ugly, and the oh so clever way that they jammed 2012 in there looks as if they aimed for the FedEx logo but landed somewhere in M.C. Hammer’s closet full of parachute pants.

Seth Godin already weighed in on the logo and, while I was planning to rail on it before he beat me to it (I have a day job), I generally agree with his conclusion.

It’s stupid. Nobody is impressed, and a lot of money was flushed down the toilet. That money could have been used to feed the homeless or something. What’s wrong with the standard Olympics logo? Why does everyone insist on attempting to personalize it? If you want to stand out as a host of the Olympics, concern yourself with fields, slopes, snow, pools, hotels, restaurants, tourism and that giant flame. Execute it properly and people will remember.

People aren’t going to remember your stupid logo… if you’re lucky.

The infamous Jason Calacanis (of Mahalo, Netscape.com, Weblogs, Inc.) commented on my previous Mahalo post. I feel slightly important now.

My Response:

Mahalo is just looking to fill the top 10,000 search terms or whatever. Obviously this will give them exposure within the most profitable areas, as Jason said, but, there are two issues I have with this. Firstly, getting a chunk of the market away from Google (or Yahoo, MSN, etc.) is going to be damn near impossible. So, while clicks on the first page results of a Google search on ‘personal finance’ may pay off well, the same on Mahalo will bring in such a tiny audience that a ‘top search term’ will still be worth very little. Also, I have to note that Mahalo’s primary revenue stream is Adsense, which directly profits its largest competitor.

I’m not saying that Mahalo can’t be successful. It could take off, but I can’t help but feel that having humans do any job currently done by a machine is a bit of a step back. It’s almost prehistoric. Yea, the results are generally more relevant on Mahalo, and the most sought-after links are listed first, but the limitations suck.

New buzz words will have to be manually added to search results while Google will be indexing it left and right. Plus, when something first appears how can one decide which sites are most appropriate for the results page? Will Mahalo have to wait for a leader to emerge before providing links?

How about the constant maintenance of established search results? Things change… often. Market leaders shift; technology evolves; disasters happen; links die. How is Mahalo going to keep up with these alterations? Are employees going to have to review all established search results on a regular basis to check for dead links?

I’d like to add a note about SEOs bashing Mahalo. Sure, SEOs may have trouble getting results onto Mahalo, but that won’t matter when 99.9% of searches are performed through other engines. My guess is that SEOs are enthusiastic about Calacanis’ failure for other reasons.

There may be a number of big names with deep pockets behind the project, but that doesn’t speak to its legitimacy. It’s a lot easier to get those names behind you when you’re Jason Calacanis. I’d like to see how the would have responded to the pitch from Adam Ferguson. And besides, if you ask someone about the top 10 mistakes of all time, odds are 9 of them were made by someone with a big name and deep pockets.

Mahalo is a human powered search engine. Yea, I said that right, and it’s probably not what you think. What comes to my mind when I hear ‘human powered search engine’ is Google’s server room with a few thousand high school cross-country stars wailing away on human-size hamster wheels. Because that sounds reasonable.

Nope, instead there is a team of people actually creating the results pages you see, so the results are super awesome. Oh, and if they haven’t bothered to create that page yet, you get a kind apology, and results from the market leader.

I’m not gonna weigh in on this anymore, as plenty of smarter people have already done so. Check them out here, here and here, for starters.

If you haven’t heard, an 11-year-old boy shot a gigantic hog down in Arkansas. Apparently it’s larger than the previous record holder, a Mr. Hogzilla. Awesome.

How to create a market

Do something extraordinary. Look at this freaking animal. Now that you have everyone’s attention:

Praise your supporters by posting their comments on your website.

Rile up your adversaries by doing the same, and inserting this little jab:

Warning!!! Your Negative e-mails may be posted and some of you will be Prayed for.

Now that you’ve gotten exposure and hit digg, sell some posters.

See? Anyone can do it. The website is awful, but look at the attention they’re getting. It could have just hit the news and been dropped from there, but Dad was smart enough to capitalize. I’d be surprised if they don’t take it a step further. Sell some t-shirts, take some donations, heck, start a social network around large snorting animals.

Also

Caught this in the article, and I feel like it’s kinda my thing now, so I have to point it out.

If the claims are accurate, Jamison’s trophy boar would be bigger than Hogzilla, the famed wild hog that grew to seemingly mythical proportions after being killed in south Georgia in 2004.

How does a hog grow after being killed? It’s one thing to catch an error on someone’s blog, but Fox News is a whole new level. They pay people to edit for this type of thing. What’s next, an actual news site?